OK I put together a workflow trying to follow your description.
For the statistical tasks I use R functions and the package purrr to manipulate all rows at once. Not sure if there might be a more elegant way. The workflow assumes there is an ID column in the first column and the following ones are named M…
The intermediate results are still there to demonstrate and check how it is done. A final workflow might bring a lot of that together in one step. This is just to show the approach.
I used your instructions about calculating the poisson value (dividing by 1.000 and using 1 as standard value). Following this your best product would be No 4. Although I would check if this approach really does what you want it to do.
If this demonstrated approach entitles me to the $ 30 I would gladly point you to a local person rescuing squirrel babies. The money would be well placed there 
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https://www.facebook.com/Eichhörnchenhilfe-Bergisch-Gladbach-329224957473534/